I’m not the brightest tool in the deck, but I know one thing…when something that’s supposed to help us starts to cause a new problem, it’s probably because we didn’t see there was a Both/And need — for both a Value AND its interdependent Value partner.

I’m part of a small online community of practice called Radical Hope with Katie Watts and Nicole Miller, and they shared an article by Mo Edjlali that stopped me in my tracks.

The basic idea is simple, and a little uncomfortable. A lot of what we’ve been taught as “good” in mindfulness—non-judging, patience, acceptance, letting go, gratitude, generosity—can actually create real problems when we over-focus on them.

Not because they’re wrong. Because they’re incomplete. “Goods” come in pairs. “Harms” come when one “Good” is overused to the neglect of an interdependent “Good.”

For example, non-judging sounds like a beautiful idea…until it turns into avoiding hard conversations or tolerating behavior that shouldn’t be tolerated. Patience sounds wise…until it becomes staying too long in something that’s not healthy. Generosity sounds noble…until you’re burned out and resentful.

This isn’t exactly breaking news. We all live this every day. What matters is seeing the pattern.

What Mo does so well in the article is name the trap: when we treat these qualities as stand-alone virtues, we get hooked by them…and then stuck in them.

Then he does something really important. He “Both/And” pairs them:
Non-judging AND Critical engagement
Patience AND Proactive change
Acceptance AND Advocacy
Generosity AND Boundaries

And just like that, something shifts.

Because now we’re no longer trying to “get it right” by picking the right value. We’re starting to work with the relationship between them.

We’re learning how to stay steady in something that’s always moving. That’s where things get interesting, because we can show up better and make wiser decisions in the context of our experiences.

Without using the language, he’s pointing to polarities.

When we treat these as Either/Or problems, the ability to work with the tension—and the steadiness that comes from that—gets lost.

You can’t have healthy non-judging without some form of discernment. You can’t have sustainable generosity without boundaries. You can’t have acceptance without the capacity to change what needs to change. Well technically, I guess you can — but it will undermine your well-being over time, when you do.

It’s like breathing. Inhale AND exhale. Try over-focusing on one to the neglect of the other and see how that works out for you in your next meditation. Or the next minute.

Here’s the part that matters for me.The moment we elevate one of these values as “the answer,” we’ve already started heading toward the downside. Not because we’re wrong. Because we’re human. We like clarity. We like certainty. We like knowing what’s “right.”

So we grab onto patience. Or acceptance. Or positivity. Or whatever the thing is…and we hold onto it just a little too tightly.

That’s when the pendulum starts swinging. That’s when we find ourselves driving ditch-to-ditch. That’s when we look up one day and realize the thing that was supposed to help is now part of the problem.

Not because the value is flawed. Because we tried to separate one value from its partner.

Values, I believe, come in pairs. In mindfulness. In leadership. In relationships. In organizations. In our own bodies.

And the real work isn’t choosing between them. It’s learning to see them as interdependent. That’s step one. Seeing.

Seeing that what looks like a problem to solve is actually a tension to live in. Seeing that the goal is a kind of steadiness—a flow of awareness and adjustment as the situation changes. Seeing that wisdom isn’t about picking the right side. It’s about knowing when to lean where, and how.

If you’ve ever felt pulled between being patient AND taking action, being kind AND setting boundaries, accepting reality AND wanting to change it…you’re not confused.

You’re human. And you’re sitting right in a polarity dynamic.

And here’s the good news. That tension you feel isn’t a mistake. It’s not a sign that something is wrong. It’s actually a gift.

That’s how life works.

The challenge isn’t that these tensions exist. The challenge is that nobody really teaches us how to work with them.

What Mo’s article does is give us a better starting point. Instead of treating these qualities in isolation, we can begin by holding them together. And if we wanted to take it further, we could actually map them. Get really clear about the benefits of each, the downsides of over-focusing on one to the neglect of the other, and what it looks like when we’re using them well. We could even assess ourselves—honestly—on how we’re doing. Where we’re over-leaning. Where we’re under-utilizing. Where we’re getting pulled into patterns we didn’t intend.
And from there, we could learn. Adjust. Pay attention to early warning signs. Try different actions. See what actually helps us stay steady over time.

But that’s probably a Cliff’sNOTE for another day. For now, I’ll just say this—if you find yourself stuck, frustrated, or feeling like something that’s supposed to help isn’t quite working…You might not be doing it wrong.

You might just be missing the AND.

Thank you, Katie and Nicole, for your Radical Hope work that, among other things, pointed me to this great resource.

If you want to play with this a bit, you can explore “Seeing” polarities with AI Cliff here.

Is it time to go deeper and broader to get your Polarity Advantage? Check out our Certification and Course Options (including online self-paced) HERE